Humor

[Keith]

OK, here we go.

A MALE FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a prince asked abeautiful Princess "Will you marry me?" the Princess said "NO' and the Prince lived happily ever after, riding motorcycles, dating thin, long legged, big breasted women half his age and cheerleaders and hunting and fishing and racing cars and going to naked bars and drinking whiskey and beer and Captain Morgan and never paid child support or alimony and never lost his house and kept his guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and never got cheated on and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end!

 

[healhustler]

LOLROF. Absolutely fantastic, Keith. Can't wait to send this to all my princesses.

 

[FlyWright]

Man's Best Friend

A real woman is a man's best friend.* She will never stand him up or let him down.* She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought possible, to live without fear and to forget regret.* She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.*

She will make sure he always feel as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

...no wait... sorry, I was thinking of alcohol.* It's alcohol that does all that crap.* Never mind...

 

[Art]

Thanks, Al... You took the words right out of my mouth and described my wife, Linda,*to a T!**I'm a*seriously a lucky guy and try every day to fully*return her favors!!

As you mentioned:

A real woman is a man's best friend.* She will never stand him up or let him down.* She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought possible, to live without fear and to forget regret.* She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.*

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

 

[markpierce]

This is love:


<font face="arial" size="2" color="#000000" style="font-family:arial;color:#000000;font-size:x-small;"></font>
hon!i miss you and the Coot!

going to manila early next week
to have patches embroidered
they'll go on baseball caps, t-shirts, etc


and specs you need considered?



Hi Sweetie!
*
Went to the boat this afternoon. Ate a salami sandwich, drank a couple of Cynthia's beers, added water to the freshwater tanks, moved some fuel between tanks, listened to the radio (brought the one you gave me), and read the Crockett book.
*
Tomorrow (hah, hah, it's next week)*is Saint Patrick's Day. Got the fixings (corned beef, cabbage, etcetera, plus Irish whiskey. Weeeeeeeee! (Wish you were here to share. Will check with Cynthia to see if she can come over.)
*
your Mark
*
PS -- Bear and Pig are doing fine on the Coot








<font face="arial" size="2" color="#000000" style="font-family:arial;color:#000000;font-size:x-small;"></font>

*

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

A Bear - A Priest, A Preacher, A Rabbi







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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way to start."




</td></tr></tbody></table>

 

[rwidman]

Art wrote:
Thanks, Al... You took the words right out of my mouth and described my wife, Linda,*to a T!**I'm a*seriously a lucky guy and try every day to fully*return her favors!!

As you mentioned:

A real woman is a man's best friend.* She will never stand him up or let him down.* She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought possible, to live without fear and to forget regret.* She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.*

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

Same here but mine is Patti.* Third try but July 4, 2012 will be our thirtieth wedding aniversary.* I wouldn't trade her for any other woman.

*



-- Edited by rwidman on Saturday 10th of March 2012 08:25:17 AM


-- Edited by rwidman on Saturday 10th of March 2012 08:26:06 AM

 

[Carey]

Rwidman said




Same here but mine is Patti.* Third try but July 4, 2012 will be our thirtieth wedding aniversary.* I wouldn't trade her for any other woman.

*

____________________________________________________________*

That was sweet.*

She's reading this, isn't she?*

-- Edited by Carey on Saturday 10th of March 2012 02:29:23 PM

 

[O C Diver]

Something to ponder:
Osama Bin Laden was living with 13 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years. What are the odds that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself?

 

[Carey]

O C Diver wrote:
Something to ponder:
Osama Bin Laden was living with 13 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years. What are the odds that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself?

*Very high I would say. *

 

[belizebill]

No more OTDE? HMMM. OK then-----------Two Jews sitting in a Mexican restarant and one says to the other, I wonder if there are any Mexican Jews? The first guy says why dont we ask the Mexican waiter, so they do,the waiter says ill go check. He comes back and says no Senors, no Mexican Jews, The guys are flabargasted, Our people are everywhere, are you sure there are no Mexican Jews? The waiter says Ill go ask the manager. The waiter comes back and says, no Senors, we have only orange Jews, pineapple Jews and grape Jews

 

[Ocean Breeze NL]

Now Bill that made me laugh and I needed it too.

Elwin*

 

[Boathommy]

In az that is REALLY FUNNY!!
THANX

 

[Ocean Breeze NL]

Confession*


An elderly man walks*into a confessional. The following conversation*ensues:*
***
Man: 'I am 72 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
*
Priest: Ya great! and?

Man: Yesterday, I took two college girls for a ride in my boat. We stopped at the little island about 15 miles from here, where I had sex with each of them.'*
***
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your*sins?'*
**
Man: 'What sins?'*
***
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are*you?'*
***
Man: 'I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish.'*
***
Priest: 'Why did you come in here to tell me?'*
***
Man: 'I'm 72 years old .... I'm telling*everybody!'

 

[Art]

This is not necessarly humor... but you could look at it that way!
Quote of*the day:
*
'Whatever you give a woman she may make it greater.*
*
Give her your sperm; she'll give you a baby.*
*
Give her a house; she'll give you a home.
*
Give her groceries; she'll give you a meal.*
*
Give her a smile; she'll*give you her heart.
*
Some women, but not all, can greatly multiply and enlarge what it is we give them.
*
So, if you*give her any crap, be prepared to receive a Ton of Her SHTT!!

A woman can be an angel...
BUT... If we break their wings - - > They simply continue*to fly... on a broomstick.
*
That is the EXACT reason why its always good to Keep Momma (aka The Admiral) Happy!!* Then everybodys HAPPY!!

As you can see from reading the above:
*
Women are flexible, and that can be good for us if we nurture that flexibility correctly... Especially In BED!
*
*
*

*


-- Edited by Art on Monday 12th of March 2012 11:26:37 AM

 

[Doc]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it can be a real bitch to start in the morning. Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

 

[rwidman]

Carey wrote:
Rwidman said




Same here but mine is Patti.* Third try but July 4, 2012 will be our thirtieth wedding aniversary.* I wouldn't trade her for any other woman.

*

____________________________________________________________*

That was sweet.*

She's reading this, isn't she?*

-- Edited by Carey on Saturday 10th of March 2012 02:29:23 PM

No, but I mean it.* There have been some issues lately and she has been right by my side all the way.* I have a gem.

*

 

[Ocean Breeze NL]

*
The masked robber burst into the bank and forced the tellers to load*a sackful of cash.
On his way out, a customer grabbed him and tore off his mask,*revealing his face.
The robber shot him dead without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking*straight at him.
The robber instantly shot her also.

Everyone in the bank, now terrified, looked intently down at the floor*in silence.
The robber yelled, " Anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of terrified silence.

Then, one old farmer blurted out, "My wife got a pretty good look at ya..."

 

[FF]

Teacher arrested:

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"


When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

 

[Baker]

Good stuff on here. I do like yours FF but I think Doc's takes the prize!!!....the Clitaurus!!!

 

[KJ]

They say that your hearing is the second thing to go.******** KJ

-- Edited by KJ on Thursday 15th of March 2012 10:15:47 PM

 

[7tiger7]

A middle aged man and a young 10 year old boy are walking through the woods late at night...

The young boy says "Gee Mister, I sure am scared walking through these woods in the dark"...

The man says "You think YOU'RE scared - I have to walk out of these woods by my self!"

 

[Anode]

A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses, and YSL® tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultrahigh-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the US government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already know, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."

 

[Andy G]

An oldie ,but a goldy .

 

[KJ]

TIGHT SPOT


The ZIPPER



In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.


Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time,
attempted the step, and, once again,
much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg.
With little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was
standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be
Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know
who you are!'


The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."


*

 

[7tiger7]

Pictures attached.

 

[Phil Fill]

hurch Ladies With typewriters.*
They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
* *
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.*

--------------------------*
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'*

--------------------------*
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------*
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------*
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------*
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.*

--------------------------*
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.*

--------------------------*
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.*

--------------------------*
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------*
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.*

--------------------------*
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------*
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------*
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------*
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------*
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------*
Potluck supper Sunday at*5:00 PM*- prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------*
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------*
This evening at*7 PM*there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------*
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at*10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.*is done.

--------------------------*
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.*

--------------------------*
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at*7 PM. Please use the back door.

--------------------------*
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at*7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.*

--------------------------*
Weight Watchers will meet at*7 PM*at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------*
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

 

[RT Firefly]

http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/files/2011/03/fartbuttboat.jpg

 

[KJ]

Senior Love.......
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite

 

[Keith]

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them,'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?
''NO!' the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile.'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued,'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out:"YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD!!"

It's a curious race, the Irish.