Happy wife happy life? Hmmm

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Shrew, like many other threads once the OP stops participating it is no longer about the opening post. Maybe you should close this one?
 
I'm going to chime in here from a women's perspective... though I will be the first to admit, I'm probably not your typical female. However, I think since we are coming up on 35 years of marriage, it does allow me some thoughts on the whole thing that you might be able to use, think about or toss away with the rest of the dribble if you choose.

First off: Despite how much we wish it to be true husbands, boyfriends, boy toys, etc do not make us happy... only we can do that. Though they certainly can help with the process and boy can they speed the path to unhappiness if they so choose.

As far as the boat thing goes, was getting a boat something both of you wanted? Have you both enjoyed it? If so what has changed? If not? What could change to make it more enjoyable? Are you just working on the boat or are you able to do trips and enjoy the boat? Are those trips by yourselves? or with people you enjoy if that's your thing?

As a woman.. I honestly have to question if it's really the boat. Not to be discouraging about my sex over anything, but sometimes we are a little confusing. I know that some women feel like they are being ignored if a guy starts focusing on a car, boat, his buddies or whatever isn't them and that becomes the problem, when it in reality they are just need of a little one on one time.

Face it, relationships are hard sometimes. And people don't always know what the hell they want even when they have it. Sometimes you have to step back and look at all the factors, what is going on around you... has anything else been happening in your life? There are set points in life that are known "bumps" in the road that are hard on marriages. IE: When the kids leave home... retirement etc.. Don't discount outside factors before making any major decisions.

Honestly, you seem like you really want to keep your vested interest in your relationship and hopefully not lose your boat. I'm pulling for you on that one. The best advice I can say to you as a woman.. is to be honest with your wife, you love her. Let her know that. Share with her your hopes on how you would like to travel with her on that boat together (because I honestly think you would like to do it together) and spend time together to see if you can work it out. Good luck.

And Scot.... you are right, I'd keep the boat. Good thing.. for some reason I'm still totally in love with you... go fix the damn AIS.
 
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I think what would be productive is how guys make it work. Vast majority of cruising couples have a guy who's a fanatic, wife is ambivalent. Starting from that, you can either make it better or worse. I've seen mostly the latter. Many years ago I was one of TrawlerFest's main presenters, and my partner Cheryll also led some seminars on woman's topics. In a lot of ways, women expressed they didn't find boating/cruising enjoyable. There was a lot of work provisioning and stowing (and finding places to stow that didn't have tools); and then there is the clean-up. The ratio to fun/drudgery sucks. And then there is the general nervousness about becoming "Suddenly Alone" and not knowing what to do. There is often a very large knowledge gap between a couple aboard a boat - that creates a feeling of helplessness which isnt fun either.

And then there is the natural tendency of people to become piss-poor communicators in peak-stress situations such as docking. Men are worse than others (guilty as charged on my part).

And then you have the whole "Huck Finn" fantasy guys have. At our core, we hit puberty and never really advance. We polish our game and learn to talk smoother, but for the most part, we're still 14-year olds at heart. We're a bit clueless sometimes.

I'd be interested in how couples form more of a partnership of equals, where each feels fairly equally vested and responsible in the outcome of a journey.

Peter
 
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slowgoesit said:
Steve, I get down to the nuts and bolts of boating, Laura handles all the esoteric, nonessential "fluff"!:D
Any, by the way, yes, I am currently ducking. . . .
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That boy toy is looking better and better... :ermm:
 
mvweebles said:
Cheryll also led some seminars on woman's topics. In a lot of ways, women expressed they didn't find boating/cruising enjoyable. There was a lot of work provisioning and stowing (and finding places to stow that didn't have tools); and then there is the clean-up. The ratio to fun/drudgery sucks.
Peter
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Maybe this is part of the problem with women and boating. Maybe to often we let ourselves get "stuck" with the drudgery and the fun is sucked out of the whole thing. Guess we just need to start figuring out how to do the essential stuff and leave the "fluff" to the guys... :lol:
 
mvweebles said:
...Many years ago I was one of TrawlerFest's main presenters, and my partner Cheryll also led some seminars on woman's topics. In a lot of ways, women expressed they didn't find boating/cruising enjoyable. There was a lot of work provisioning and stowing (and finding places to stow that didn't have tools); and then there is the clean-up. The ratio to fun/drudgery sucks. And then there is the general nervousness about becoming "Suddenly Alone" and not knowing what to do. There is often a very large knowledge gap between a couple aboard a boat - that creates a feeling of helplessness which isnt fun either. ...
Peter
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The wife went to one/some of the woman's seminars at TrawlerFest and found them helpful. I am lucky in that she is all in on the boat idea. We would have a bought a boat if I had not been the voice of reason. :eek::socool::D

I certainly know more about the boat systems but she has no problem working on an engine to change oil, etc. To be honest, I think she would rather change the oil than clean a head. :D

As we talk about a boat build and the systems, we talk about things, likely to a point of boredom on her part from time to time but it helps me think things through AND helps her understand the systems. She certainly has retained quite a bit of what we have discussed. :thumb:

One big issue she had, that seemed to come out of the blue, was the "Suddenly Alone" problem. She was wondering what she would do if I died while we were overseas and how would she get the boat home. First and foremost, her name would be on the boats papers as an owner so there would be no legal issues of owning the boat. Second, I told her about delivery captains and how to find one so that if she needed/wanted to get the boat "home" she knew how. Funny thing is she KNOWS a delivery captain and it had not occurred to her to use a delivery captain.

Communication. Communication. Communication.

Later,
Dan
 
Bob Smith and I were founding instructors of TrawlerFest University. One year at Soloms MD, I did an all-womans class of boat handing. Amazingly, someone lent us their Defever 44. We had a great time. All four of the women were in their 50s and 60s and were 'spouses-of' a boat nut. They all did a great job and while I don't see any of them going much further with their driving skills, just knowing they stood at the helm of a decent sized boat and docked it was incredibly empowering to them. Really broke some barriers.

When I taught men to dock, their stack-ranked priorities were #1- don't embarass themself. #2 - don't hurt the boat. #3 - don't hurt another person or boat. Women are the reverse. By far, #1 is don't hurt someone else, and ego as a distant last.

Men and women view the Suddenly Alone thing incredibly differently. Men are a bit more fatalistic - 'if my ticket is punched, so be it." Women don't generally see it that way. They do their best to be prepared and avoid being hurt, avoid being a burden on someone else. Being a passenger on a boat with only one person who knows how to operate it is scary.

Here's the worst-case scenario. Guy has a heart attack and falls overboard. So be it - time came and he's a goner. Just the way it works out. "Bury with my boots on" and all that crap. But.....for those of you who have a half an ounce of care for your spouse, consider how your wife would feel watching helplessly while your ticket was being punched. It would haunt her for her entire life. And that's what goes through her mind. So I do my best to figure out how to lessen that feeling even though I'm pretty sure it will never come. I don't know why women are like that, but it's part of their charm I suppose.

Peter
 
Many of my cruising friends be it long distance or long time are second marriages. Significant other entered the equation when the boating life was well integrated and part of the males life. You see what you get applies.
The dissolution of the relationship and /or leaving the boating life seems to primarily occur in those groups where:
Boating is new to both parties.
Entering boating occurred in close proximity to a major change in lifestyle such as retirement, coming into a large sum of money, empty nest, resolution of a health issue or finding out about a progressive disease (Parkinson’s, auto immune, cancer etc.).
Through the dating process or when living together both parties learn the aspirations, baggage, and needs of the other. They either accept them or don’t and move on. From prior marriage or long term relationships they have much lower expectations those factors will change. They are more likely to distinguish between infatuations and love be it with boating each others or other things.
Erickson wrote about the stages of life and noted each caused internal upheaval which often resulted in external upheavals.
Having watched marriages and long term relationships fold among fellow cruisers I’m struck to how often this occurs in first marriages (or long term relationship ) at a change in a Eriksonian change of life. How rarely in couples where boating has always been part of one parties sense of who they are before the most recent boat was purchased.
The other time is when external circumstances make boating unsafe or unsustainable at a fun level. That could be simple aging, change in financial circumstances, more pressing family obligations or desire to hit other things on the bucket list. If one party (usually the male) refuses to modify their plans to meet the others desire in part or in whole the relationship will circle around the drain. Yesterday had breakfast with two other couples. One were Slovenians I first met when they were in their late 70s while cruising the eastern Caribbean. They were on an Amel ketch and had done and were continuing to do extensive long range cruising. Two years before they sold their beloved home on the water. Other had just put their one off on sale and swallowing the anchor after decades of blue water. Age had gotten both couples. Absent from the usual gathering was a couple who were in Trinidad waiting for the hurricane season to pass. The male of that couple has a progressive neuropathy that is disabling. Although unsafe he insists on continuing to be a full time liveaboard. From my brides network they conjecture when he finally recognizes this and is forced to swallow the anchor his bride well may see he is established in a safe land setting then move on. Sometimes the boat is the cause for the relationship to continue but think that’s exceedingly rare.
You don’t know anything about what goes on behind closed doors. This couple’s issues are all conjecture.
My wife discounts her skill set. She has tens of thousands of miles under her keel on our last three boats. But she continues to play “what if…..” When she does I ask “well what would you do?” She invariably gives a cogent correct answer. Still about monthly it comes up. Things I’ve learned. Never discount this fear as unreasonable. For her it’s real and will always be real. You’re not going to change that. Rather in a supportive way point out how competent she actually is and encourage her to review how to meet a catastrophe. Although we’ve done drills hundreds of times doing the basic drills(water ingress, fire, loss of propulsion, medical emergency etc.) seems to positively impact on this fear. So the drills are worthwhile fo that reason alone. We’ve been off the boat fo some months. Moving back aboard once TS Ophelia goes by. Will do the dirills once we reprovision and get going.
 
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Hipp, post 69
"Yesterday had breakfast with two other couples."
I am curious what they said about your move to power since you knew them with sail. Does Erickson cover that?
 
SteveK said:
Hipp, post 69
"Yesterday had breakfast with two other couples."
I am curious what they said about your move to power since you knew them with sail. Does Erickson cover that?
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It’s Erik Ericsson the psychologist not Erickson the sailboat builder. They know I’ve had years of no sail but rather hardcore fish boats and would occasionally substitute for a friends mate when he was unavailable on a sportfish. I’ve never understood the dynamic between some sailors and power people. When the current one goes been thinking about a small Pogo and a rack boat so I can go back and forth. For that group the bigger issue was when and how to give up blue water. A member of that group is on new to them FPB. That couple is in Ireland putting things to bed and coming home. Think with boating the division is more coastal, near shore, ocean than the boat. Doesn’t matter if you’re talking homemade steel , production, one off or luxury. Mindset and conversations have a different slant for each group . Throughout my life have found coastal is more demanding in many respects.
 
Hippocampus said:
It’s Erik Ericsson the psychologist not Erickson the sailboat builder. They know I’ve had years of no sail but rather hardcore fish boats and would occasionally substitute for a friends mate when he was unavailable on a sportfish. I’ve never understood the dynamic between some sailors and power people. When the current one goes been thinking about a small Pogo and a rack boat so I can go back and forth. For that group the bigger issue was when and how to give up blue water. A member of that group is on new to them FPB. That couple is in Ireland putting things to bed and coming home. Think with boating the division is more coastal, near shore, ocean than the boat. Doesn’t matter if you’re talking homemade steel , production, one off or luxury. Mindset and conversations have a different slant for each group . Throughout my life have found coastal is more demanding in many respects.
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I guess I was looking for sailors who retired v. sailor who went to power instead of retiring. Whether they thought of that option at some point.
BTW, I copied Erickson from your post 69
 
I know I'm dating myself but my wife and I met on a blind date arranged by a mutual friend. I agreed to meet only if the date was on my boat. At that time it was a 17' runabout. She agreed and we have been together for 40 years now. She suggested we try living aboard our 36' GB for a 6 month trial. We are now into the 13th year of our 6 month experiment. Our current boat is 65' and she's still in love with the lifestyle (and me). However, I love her far more than the boat and I would move off in a heartbeat if she so desired. BTW, she's 72 and I'm 81. We both want to liveaboard until we can't. To the OP, you need to decide what you love more; the boat or your wife. Then the decision is easy.
 
hmason said:
I know I'm dating myself but my wife and I met on a blind date arranged by a mutual friend. I agreed to meet only if the date was on my boat. At that time it was a 17' runabout. She agreed and we have been together for 40 years now. She suggested we try living aboard our 36' GB for a 6 month trial. We are now into the 13th year of our 6 month experiment. Our current boat is 65' and she's still in love with the lifestyle (and me). However, I love her far more than the boat and I would move off in a heartbeat if she so desired. BTW, she's 72 and I'm 81. We both want to liveaboard until we can't. To the OP, you need to decide what you love more; the boat or your wife. Then the decision is easy.
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Nicely done :thumb:
 
hmason said:
I know I'm dating myself but my wife and I met on a blind date arranged by a mutual friend. I agreed to meet only if the date was on my boat. At that time it was a 17' runabout. She agreed and we have been together for 40 years now. She suggested we try living aboard our 36' GB for a 6 month trial. We are now into the 13th year of our 6 month experiment. Our current boat is 65' and she's still in love with the lifestyle (and me). However, I love her far more than the boat and I would move off in a heartbeat if she so desired. BTW, she's 72 and I'm 81. We both want to liveaboard until we can't. To the OP, you need to decide what you love more; the boat or your wife. Then the decision is easy.
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Liveaboard until we can't... that sounds like the perfect dream. Hope Scot and I can reach your age and be doing the same. Thanks for the inspiration!
 
Muirgen Afloat said:
Liveaboard until we can't... that sounds like the perfect dream. Hope Scot and I can reach your age and be doing the same. Thanks for the inspiration!
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The boating life keeps you physically active and mentally engaged. I know more than one couple in their late 80s early 90s still living the dream.
 
I reviewed some of the OP's youtube videos. Wife is MIA in most of them. Apparently OP is comfortable running boat single handed. Classic 'Commanders' seat in pilot house. Sort of like driving a car with one front seat, wife sits in the back. Wife is probably wondering if she married him or the boat.

Video's are full of problems and projects done on several long trips. OP might enjoy the projects more then the trips.

Buying classic cars would just change the size of the engine OP would be working on.

(Disclaimer: This internet advice is provided free of charge and returns are not accepted)
 
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hmason said:
The boating life keeps you physically active and mentally engaged. I know more than one couple in their late 80s early 90s still living the dream.
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In my 7 years full time on the boat I don't feel it physically active. Mostly it only it is a long if walk to the store. It takes effort to get exercise.

IMO and personal experience.
 
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When we're on the boat the exercise thing is a bit of a tradeoff. I'd say I likely have to go further out of my way to get significant exercise, but the minimum level of activity in a day (as far as walking, lifting things, moving around, etc.) is higher than at home. That's somewhat driven by having a dog, where at home we can just send him outside, but on the boat he has to be walked, or dinghied ashore and then walked.
 
Next

I have found that there is always the next thing -- Sort of like political radicals - Pick a point where you want to stop loosing ground -- Or keep ceding - :banghead:
 
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Those knee pads you bought for working on the boat aren't just for working on the boat.
 
I was with my last lady 13yrs, when we met she knew my life long dream of building and living on a boat. During those 13 years I kept trying to start my boat build. She always had reasons I shouldn't start yet. I even tried to pacify my dream by getting a cruising lake boat. She hated it. It was pretty clear to me she had no interest in my dream. We went our separate ways several years ago and I live on a boat in the Pacific North West. I love my life and never regret losing people whom don’t care what MY dreams are. My two cents.
 
The post reminds me of the joke....the wife says to her newly married husband " Now that We're married, You can sell your boat" He says "You sound like my Ex-wife"...She says" Wait, I didn't know You were married before" he says "I wasn't"
 
I feel sad for you having to wrestle with this dilemma. But as a female who has learned to read between the lines of female friends, I'm thinking she may be trying to say, "I'm not getting enough attention." That is a big boat you have!! Is there a way you could be happy with a smaller boat that didn't demand as much of your time? Did your wife ever enjoy the boat? If the answer is yes, what was different during that time? You wrote that "I love my boat," how about your wife? Best of luck to you and your wife.
 
From a woman's point of view - We had our sailboat in the Caribbean for 3 years, lived on it for 6 months a year. We met a guy who had a boat he kept down there also. His wife didn't like boating, so he came down by himself or with friends to use the boat. They both got to do what they wanted. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation. If you have some boating friends that would go with you while she stays home or does something else she likes, it's a win/win.
 
Been there, done that. Sold the big boat and bought a motorhome for touring USA and Europe. She loved traveling by land. After a few years, we sold the motorhome and downsized from 52' trawler to a 36 footer. She liked the "feel" of the smaller boat. Then we bought a condo in the desert and became snow birds -- now I have a 25' trailer boat (C-Dory Tomcat) with twin outboards. Wife is happy and so am I :)
 
Boy, I know a lot of people who have transitioned from boat to RV's for various reasons, but we've tried RV'ing and pretty much hated it every time. Gravity fed sewage is sure easier than marine systems (although both are gross) but other than that, my wife would never want to make that switch. In fact we drive past giant sardine-can RV parks or broken down RV's on the side of the road and I'll say, "You know, we should try an RV someday, looks fun..." and then we both laugh at the joke.

There are two humongous RV parks on the way to our marina. On the hottest days of summer I look over that sea of RV's, all those people sitting there cooking in their little tin cans (I know, A/C) and can't wait for the whitecap spray in my face as we head out of the marina breakwater. Or getting rocked to sleep, or even the comforting lullaby of chine slap. Ahhh.
 
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