I got a leaflet through the door today that said, "If you are an alcoholic, call this number" so I rang the number...It was the damn liquor store!!!.......
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A beggar stopped me in the street and asked me if I had any spare change.
I jiggled my trouser pocket and said " it appears that I do"
I thanked him for his interest and walked on.
What a nice man
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I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
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I don't know why I was just sacked from my job with suicide prevention.
They wouldn't discuss it with me.
Some guy phoned and said,
"I'm Neil Kinnock and I'm going to kill myself. I'm lying on the railway track now waiting for the train to come".
All I said was,
"Remain calm and stay on the line!!..
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For all my Motorcycle Friends....
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
" Well, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."