Recently divorced, should I live on a boat with my kids?

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I have no wife nor kids. I made a decision never to father any children.
I have been divorced 3 times and will never marry again. #1 was more interested in her career. #2 found a rich man to marry. #3 realized she was not getting the keys to the bank
My mother was abusive. She use whatever was on hand to discipline us including a 2 inch wide leather belt or electrical cord. After a big blow up, I joined the Navy. An 18 year old does not like to hear one's mother screaming a dad, "kill him' as he was beating and kicking me. I was left badly bruised and bloody.
Two word were seldom use as I was growing up, "sorry" and "love."
I won, they are dead.
IMO, the kids need a strong but reasonable father figure. Get the boys involved in all aspects of boating.
For the young lady, perhaps you can encourage her to become equally involved.

Pay close attention to their frustration level how every subtle.

Never be afraid to say your sorry for your own behavior and mean it. Then do all you can to change your offending behavior.
Remind them repeatedly, you love them.
Many times a volatile situation can be defused with a hug and encouraging words.
 
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You should probably slow down a bit. They say you should not make any major decisions for at least a year following the death of a spouse or a divorce.

pete
 
I moved aboard a boat I already owned and knew quite well when the big day finally arrived. No kids. Dead simple.

I am friends with a man who had full custody of his two young kids. He owned a dirt home but took them for months at a time on cruises on his 55-foot steel trawler. He home schooled them, and I never saw a smarter pair of kids. They run the boat, and when he resisted their desire to head for Maine from the Florida Gulf coast one year, they (now early teens) told him they would do all navigation and operating. He told me how passing through some tight spots in the ICW he sometimes stopped breathing, but the kids ran it like pros. they do not spend as much time on the boat as before because of their time consuming musical education requirements, but that boat is their happy place for sure.

You alone know your kids. Maybe a brief introduction to a boat with the idea of living one one would let you see if there is truly light in their eyes about the idea. I would say that you will need a lot of time alone figuring any boat out, and the times they are with mom would offer that time. There will come times when you must move off the boat while it is hauled out for bottom and other work, and this would be a bit disruptive.

So, focusing on the kids could go either way for you as it regards the boat thing. I'd suggest settling into the divorced-sharing-kids for a little while before popping the idea to the girls.



You know your kids
 
Many people are making decisions the last several years married before the divorce...they are like a spring trap as soon as the word is spoken, let alone the paperwork.

One should keep in mind that actions prior to final divorce can have weird consequences, but a waiting period??????? Depends a LOT on how the marriage was going before it ended officially or unofficially.

There are many obstacles going any which way....people are not predictable......while money can't buy happiness, it can remove obstacles to happiness. If you can afford certain luxuries for your girls to make living aboard more palatable, things can be a lot easier.
 
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OldDan1943 said:
Dont do a thing until after the divorce is final.
If she finds out you bought a boat (while married), she may throw that in the pot with the house, car etc.
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Not too mention, it could become a custody issue, if she decides she wants the kids.

Read Stirling Hayden's book "Wanderer" about when that very similar thing happened to him.
 
I would say this is not ideal. Divorce is very hard on you (and my sympathies...it is so tough!), but it is also very hard on kids. They need stability and same-ness right now. My parents divorced, and my dad decided that we would travel and sleep in a camper when I was visiting. All I wanted was a bed in a house...somewhere familiar where I could feel safe. It was incredibly taxing to have more "newness" flung into my life, beyond having to shuttle between two people who could barely hide their disdain for one another. If you can afford it, I strongly urge you to give your kids a place in your home where they can have some privacy and a sense of continuity.

Asking them sounds great, but kids (and many adults) generally won't really know both the pros and the cons of boat living. Will they really understand that privacy will pretty much not exist? What about noise, constant rocking, etc.? What about their "stuff"? Will they really understand what it means before they do it?
 
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You will be happier if your girls are happy and they will be happier if you are happy.

I have some friends that grew up on a boat and they loved every second of it. Years later they still rave about it. They don't have boats now lol but they did love it growing up.

I agree though that you should get a boat you can handle by yourself so you can actually use it.

OR - get TWO BOATS! One for them and one to use at least occasionally as an actual boat.

If you are able to provide rides to school and pickups from friends homes it would make a big difference to them.

But what do they say??

You could get a smaller boat and 'camp' on it a weekend here and there with an open invitation to the kids friends.
 
Follow exactly what the lady wrote, no short cuts. Been there myself, the first couple years were no picnic for me or my kids. Once things simmer down and start falling into a rhythm, then maybe consider a boat. This crowd will still be around to help you out then.

BandB said:
Wifey B: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :nonono::nonono::nonono::nonono:

If it was just you, I might be borderline, but it's not. You're all four going through a lot. Don't risk making it worse. You all need counseling too and don't think for a moment that the kids don't, that they're doing fine. They're not about to express their anger to the parents they love. Whatever, they do share, you can bet they're only sharing a very small part of their feelings and you and your wife are also feeling things you're hiding for now. Get a one year rental convenient for all. Work on co-parenting with your wife. Make the change as easy as you can. Then after a year or so if the thought of living on the boat is still there, ask the girls their thoughts but make no more moves without them having their say in the decision. You don't get to decide just based on what is best for you. They need their friends so right now. They might love a smaller boat for occasional use, but no one knows right now and you can't buy cures to all that ails the four of you. Take small steps. Even for you, your life suddenly became complicated and you don't need to make it more so. Do you really need to deal with a boat toilet which would have you inwardly cursing the wife and the house toilet? Do you need to hear a teenage daughter scream at you over no hot water and she can't go to school with her hair like it is?

You have a year of mourning at least as to the three of them. You can't shortcut it. You can jump to the future. You have to deal in the present and make it work first. I feel so bad for all of you, all four. :cry::cry::cry: Even the one requesting the divorce is in pain. It's not just the loss of each other, it's the loss of that ideal of the happy marriage and happy family and the cute yard and picket fence. It's paradise lost, even if it had deteriorated long ago. Don't pretend you're all doing fine as none of you are. You may think of being strong for your kids and partly you need to but they also need to know you're in pain as they are. They don't need parents pretending all if perfect when they know it isn't. You're all confused as well, over what has happened and what the future will be like. For all of you for right now, the future needs to be simple and as little change as possible. :)

I do hope it works out well for all of you and you all find a good life that is awaiting you. :)
Click to expand...
 
You've had a number of very insightful replies but I'll add my own after the fact experience, having been through something similar. I'm divorced and have my youngest full time and a few years ago we thought it would be great to live on a boat. It turned out that a teenager has a lot more enthusiasm for the *idea* of living on a boat and the reality didn't work for her. I love it and now that she's getting closer to moving out I'm upping the ante and getting a larger boat to cruise on but for someone younger it's probably not as good a fit.

I could go in to all the reasons but they've been mentioned by others. My heart goes out to all of you... it is tough. Hang in there...
 
Any advice that says positively one way or the other is .....I cant even say it.

There are situations that easily fit either side ...and even then there are infinite variations......but only one person in this thread can fit which pieces of the puzzle fit where.

Good luck and I would say a good mate with a beer will solve way more than much of this advice.
 
Yes!

Do it and do it now. the kids will love it, its an adventure for them and way more fun than sitting round 'dads apartment'.
Its also extremely cathartic and a good way to escape after work and be in another world. Did the same about 9 years ago with similar aged kids. best decision ever.
 
Do it!

As a liveaboard for many years I can attest that it’s a fantastic life! Your girls will love it, or grow to love it. Relationships I’ve built with other boaters in the marina far supersede any relationships I’ve built with my neighbors on land. You’re not asking them to compromise anything by living on a boat. Especially a large Hatteras! Demonstrate to them that there are other ways to live, home is where you hang your hat, and they can make their lives look how they would like them too, just like their Father did! Life is short, be happy.
 
Brad,
Living Aboard a boat is an entirely unusual lifestyle. I have just published (after 6 years of research, and living aboard a boat) a book on living aboard a boat. If you are interested just email me: gad4218@gmail.com.
 
Wow, 6 whole years of living aboad... there⁷ are people with way more tha 3X that amount right here on TF and circumnavigations to boot.
 
Sounds like ME!...
Two kids, joint custody, DC pressure cooker killed a 23 year marriage, and yep- I bought a 42’ and moved aboard on the Chesapeake Bay.

Best Decision Ever.

I bought a sailboat though, as a comparable power boat was too $ fuel wise should I want to leave the dock. There’s a 49’ DeFever Trawler in the family as well, thus the presence on this forum...

After 3 years living aboard, My kids visit the marina, bring friends, sail/SUP/kayak, hit the marina pool, restaurant & generally consider their visits as a mini vacation.

Divorce is a huge change, so is living aboard, so I figured if we’re going to negotiate change, let’s do it all at once...

Buy CASH. or borrow very little. Have at least $20k on hand to address repairs & maintenance. Boats are expensive...example: New Kohler Toilet for a house is about $300. My new Raritan electric head was $980, plus another $600 to install & I did most of the install myself.

It’s nuts, but yeah. To underline the insanity of boat ownership, they DEPRECIATE!

If you’re ok with that, and freeing yourself from worldly possessions apart from clothes & tools, then yeah~ it’s a wonderful lifestyle!

Hope this helps.
 
BandB said:
Wifey B: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :nonono::nonono::nonono::nonono:

If it was just you, I might be borderline, but it's not. You're all four going through a lot. Don't risk making it worse. You all need counseling too and don't think for a moment that the kids don't, that they're doing fine. They're not about to express their anger to the parents they love. Whatever, they do share, you can bet they're only sharing a very small part of their feelings and you and your wife are also feeling things you're hiding for now. Get a one year rental convenient for all. Work on co-parenting with your wife. Make the change as easy as you can. Then after a year or so if the thought of living on the boat is still there, ask the girls their thoughts but make no more moves without them having their say in the decision. You don't get to decide just based on what is best for you. They need their friends so right now. They might love a smaller boat for occasional use, but no one knows right now and you can't buy cures to all that ails the four of you. Take small steps. Even for you, your life suddenly became complicated and you don't need to make it more so. Do you really need to deal with a boat toilet which would have you inwardly cursing the wife and the house toilet? Do you need to hear a teenage daughter scream at you over no hot water and she can't go to school with her hair like it is?

You have a year of mourning at least as to the three of them. You can't shortcut it. You can jump to the future. You have to deal in the present and make it work first. I feel so bad for all of you, all four. :cry::cry::cry: Even the one requesting the divorce is in pain. It's not just the loss of each other, it's the loss of that ideal of the happy marriage and happy family and the cute yard and picket fence. It's paradise lost, even if it had deteriorated long ago. Don't pretend you're all doing fine as none of you are. You may think of being strong for your kids and partly you need to but they also need to know you're in pain as they are. They don't need parents pretending all if perfect when they know it isn't. You're all confused as well, over what has happened and what the future will be like. For all of you for right now, the future needs to be simple and as little change as possible. :)

I do hope it works out well for all of you and you all find a good life that is awaiting you. :)
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BandB has given the best advice you will get. Others seem not to have any experience with the issues you're facing. This really isn't about you and your happiness.
 
jbloyd said:
BandB has given the best advice you will get. Others seem not to have any experience with the issues you're facing. This really isn't about you and your happiness.
Click to expand...

Did you read post #27?

How close does forum experience count?

If you think WifeyB has similar experience to rate her advice as tops...... check how many kids, divorces and clogged toilets she has had to worry about.
 
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jbloyd said:
BandB has given the best advice you will get. Others seem not to have any experience with the issues you're facing. This really isn't about you and your happiness.
Click to expand...

Wha?!?! I literally have experience with this- right down to the hometown & number of kids! Renting in DC is brutal! Boat life made the transition less painful & made Everything more fun too!
 
Anyone who thinks their advice is best or completely fits......
 
In fact, most people think the advice they give is best. They're usually just giving subjective opinions. My message pointed out the irony.
 
Living Aboard your boat is so different than anything that you have experienced. For one thing, there is always a sense of community when you are in a slip at a marina. Another point is you become acutely aware of the weather. It's as if you are a part of the environment you are in. I always found that most people (certainly not all) are friendly and helpful. Good luck on your adventure.
 
Drummer, this covid has pretty much distroyed the interaction in this marina. SIGH

No longer do dogs sit in front of my boat waiting for their massage and treat.
 
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So sad isn't it! I teach at a couple universities and have assigned a 5 page paper on how COVID-19 has affected our society. It's incredible how many ways it has affected us as a society. Sad really.
 
This should not be a boat question. It should be what is best for the kids question. An 11 year old needs stability in school and friends above all else. Move to a different town or neighborhood and the district may force you to change schools. You really should be consulting with a child psychologist.

But a bow rider that can pull a tube? The kids will love it.
 
I've lived on a boat for 30 years. Have no intentions of moving off anytime soon. However if you ask me about pets and boats I'm going to tell you its the worst idea in the world. Well, that's my opinion. Now how relevant is that for the guy in the boat next to me. So as Psneeld says, anyone saying go for it or don't do it is merely stating an opinion of how the world looks to them. Dose not mean their advice has any relevancy to the OP. How do we know if this guy can even sleep on a rocking boat, some can, some can not. The best advice we can give is to point out the pros and cons to give the OP a more complete picture of what must be considered to live on a boat successfully.

I have said this many times. Those who started off as boaters and then became liveaboards have a hugely greater success rate than those who just decided to live on a boat one day. Regardless and even here on Trawler World, becoming a liveaboard does have a failure rate.
 
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