Humor

[SteveK]

Out for dinner last night and the waiter tells this joke.

Talking Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

 

[menzies]

...

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[menzies]

...

 

[boathealer]

...

 

[FlyWright]

 

[KnotYet]

I resemble that remark!

 

[Larry M]

It’s the training that makes a difference.

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[menzies]

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough!

Yep.

But if you do get to do it again and build on the first once, then just think what the second go around will be like!

 

[FF]

Political jokes OK????

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
[FONT=Calibri, sans-serif]
[/FONT]~Jay Leno~


The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~


We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office


~Aesop~


If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.


~Will Rogers~


Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.


~Nikita Khrushchev~


When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.


~Clarence Darrow~


Why pay money to have your family tree traced; [FONT=Calibri, sans-serif]
[/FONT]go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~


Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton~


Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~


I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~


A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Tex Guinan~


I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle~


Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~


There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.


~Will Rogers~




















​

 

[O C Diver]

Political jokes OK????
[

Ted

 

[jeffnick]

In America, anyone can become president. That's the chance you take.

 

[Larry M]

...

 

[Crusty Chief]

...

Obviously the teacher misunderstood your sons drawing, looks pretty obvious to me, other than your trunks are way too big! LOL

 

[Art]

When a child says to dad "Can I tell Mommy?? That = Do you think your supervisor will mind?

When a child says to mommy "Please don't tell Daddy! That = I think your enforcer may react badly!

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[GoneFarrell]

Charitable Lawyers

A local charity realized it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is suffering from a long illness and has medical bills several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the charity solicitor mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or that my brother is blind and confined to a wheelchair or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated charity solicitor, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea."

So, the lawyer concluded: "If I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

[HopCar]

Spelling matters

 

[RT Firefly]

Greetings,
Hump day chuckles...

It's comin', folks...

 

[RT Firefly]

Greetings,
One for the aviators:

 

[Larry M]

(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a big dog. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

 

[HopCar]

Larry M, that’s funny! They actually farm deer in New Zealand. The stock was originally captured from the wild using net guns and helicopters. It often didn’t go well.

https://netgun.com/

 

[GFC]

Where's someone with a phone and a good connection to YouTube when something like that happens?

 

[Mako]

They actually farm deer in New Zealand. The stock was originally captured from the wild using net guns and helicopters. It often didn’t go well.

Speaking of deers and hunting....

I used to live in Christchurch and I don't know if Americans are aware of this, but the gov't supports the use of sound suppressors on hunting rifles. You could go into any sports store and buy one for $300 or so. Wow, what a nice civilized country. Can't believe I left there to return directly to the Middle East.

Night and day!

 

[Larry M]

...

 

[menzies]

Too true!

 

[Pack Mule]

I read this quote somewhere:

“Turning back the clock in 2020 was like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.”

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[BruceK]