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Being in self isolation the last 10 months gave me an appreciation for the humour shared here, keep it up. :dance:

In case you are wondering why 10 months when it is suggested 14 days.
Well every 10-12 days my two week supply of alcohol runs out and I have to start all over. However, it dawned on me that if I make two trips and get 2-2 week supplies I may be able to end this 14 day isolation. Cheers :thumb:
 
We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - It is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a

broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - It is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,

lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're

next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion....

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal...
 
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I heard the CDC is recommending that this year eggnog have the same alcohol content as hand sanitizer. You can never be too careful.
 
Sex at 73 and Other Sayings

SEX AT 73
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at
73. I'm so happy, because I live at number 69. So it's not too far to walk
home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have
to cross the road!
~~~~~

Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for
caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a
message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the
changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without
forgetting.

~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way
around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for
her first question.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to
find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
 
Not sure it`s funny, in fact fairly sure it`s not. But we don`t have a "Black Thoughts on Society" section, so here it is.
r-d-50 (2).png
 
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack. "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting."

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."


A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3, the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father, how about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."


Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes," says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
 
The Dublin policeman was sent to investigate a domestic incident and radioed back to the desk sergeant.

"Well what did you find?" asked the sergeant.

"Sarge, Mr. Doherty is dead."

"Dead! What happened?"

"Mrs. Doherty has just finished mopping the kitchen floor when he came in from the garden and walked all over it, so she whacked him with a rolling pin!"

"So have you arrested her?"

"No Sarge."

"Why on earth not?"

"The floor isn't dry yet."
 
It`s said laughter is the best medicine.

True, but perhaps not if what ails you is diarrhea.
 
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, But I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody He's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'
 
Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?”

“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
 
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We took Bella to a city dog park yesterday for the first time and saw this. Unfortunately I had to remove the wife from the park!
 

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Gonefarrell's answers to every question a woman ever asks

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust "junior" and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end?
We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave...Must go find wildebeest...
Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their sons. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
 
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

Feel complimented! Because when they DO get to know you, they'll be very unlikely to say "I LOVE YOU" any longer!:whistling:
Google "high maintenance" for more information . . .
 
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”
 
Bill is before the Court charged with inappropriate sexual conduct in public.
He pleads" But the Doctor said I could touch myself any time I liked" His wife intervenes: "No,what the Doctor said was: "You could have a stroke at any time"".
 
Goat on a boat! I should have stocked goat life jackets.
 
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