Humor

[menzies]

Question for the Mods. There are thousands of funny Bernie MEMES going around about his mittens. OK to post some?

 

[RT Firefly]

Greeting,
Mr. m. NOT a mod but I would recommend no. Where would it stop?

 

[Al]

Timely political humor- AmJ


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced me, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Listen here. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on...It doesn't matter to me, I just love it."



With my eyes now wide with interest I responded …..



"No kidding... I'm in Government too.

 

[O C Diver]

In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is. You're what's left.

Ted

 

[Al]

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

 

[HopCar]

When I went to get my vaccine shot I commented to the nurse that the spy chip must be very small to get through the needle. She agreed it was very small. I laughed, she laughed, the syringe laughed.

 

[BruceK]

 

[HopCar]

When I see someone wearing their mask below their nose I don’t worry. I know they are a mouth breather.

 

[menzies]

When I see someone wearing their mask below their nose I don’t worry. I know they are a mouth breather.

Don't we all look like that when the photo is taken from above?

Unless you put the mask over your eyes of course!

 

[menzies]

...

 

[HopCar]

This is a real headline credited to the Miami Herald. So many jokes I just don’t know which one to use. Maybe one involving loaves and fishes?

Four people walk away from a small plane crash in Florida Keys, Coast Guard says

 

[menzies]

It happens!

 

[Al]

Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

The officer asked, "Really now ? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[Art]

Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

The officer asked, "Really now ? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

In my 20's rather than 80's... Word I'd add, from experience... "EX"

 

[FF]

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.​

I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.​

- Mark Twain

​

<><>​

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.​

- George Burns​

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.​

- Victor Borge​

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.​

- Mark Twain​

<><>

​

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,​

you'll become a philosopher.​

- Socrates​

<><>​

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.​

- Groucho Marx

​

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.​

- Jimmy Durante

​

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.​

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

​

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:​

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.​

- Alex Levine

​

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.​

- Rodney Dangerfield

​

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.​

- Spike Milligan

​

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name wasSHUT UP.​

- Joe Namath

​

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.​

- Bob Hope

​

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.​

- W. C. Fields

​

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.​

- Will Rogers

​

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.​

- Winston Churchill

​

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,​

fall out, or spread out.​

- Phyllis Diller

​

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.​

- Billy Crystal​

And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.​

~~~​

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.​

 

[Art]

And

By the time you're old enough to really know what you're doing... you're too old to do it!

That's why in my masonry construction business I hire people in their 20's/30's and teach them what to do. Life really is a full cycle system!

 

[menzies]

In your seventies your wife is always reminding you to pull your zipper up after coming out of the bathroom.

In your eighties she is always reminding you to pull it down before you go into the bathroom!

 

[Art]

In your seventies your wife is always reminding you to pull your zipper up after coming out of the bathroom.

In your eighties she is always reminding you to pull it down before you go into the bathroom!

In your 90's no pants required in house... hanger undies over a diaper does fine!

 

[Al]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

 

[Al]

WHEN TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)

Don't mess with old people


GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."


***********************

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

(I LOVE IT!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

This is so true. I love to hear them say: "You don't look that old."


------------------------------

The older we get the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Mostly, because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place.


********************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

------------------------------

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is (sometimes) comfortable.

*********

First you forget names then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper... it's worse when you forget to pull it down.

````````````````

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom.. wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

 

[menzies]

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Especially now that you have to be older to get the vaccine!

 

[CaptTom]

Especially now that you have to be older to get the vaccine!

I wonder if I still have that fake ID for buying booze from when I was a kid...

 

[Al]

I wonder if I still have that fake ID for buying booze from when I was a kid...

Aaaaaaaa Me too!!
________________________________________________________________

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"

I replied, "I WASN'T DONE , SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

 

[Al]

An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 -- if not cured, get back $1,000."



Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.



Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box #22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh! -- This is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.”



Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days, figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box #22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that's gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."



Dr. Young, having lost $1,000, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so here's your $1,000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."



Moral of story --

Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean you can outsmart an old Geezer.



Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.



ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!



p.s. Written in large print for old geezers.

 

[menzies]

 

[menzies]

zzzzz

 

[menzies]

True that!

 

[menzies]

...

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[menzies]

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